Last post for this blog. 

The time has come where I have exceeded my limits of media on this blog. I’m not sure what that means….. But never fear, I have a new blog you can follow! When I have time ( hahaha that’s funny) I might delete some of the media here but from now on I’ll be posting in the other blog which you can follow! 


Walk out of darkness year 2

Last year my uncle committed suicide. He did this act in front of some family members. He was on the phone with my grandma and was standing in front of other family members when he pulled the trigger. It was devastating and has actually brought our family closer together. Even though our family has been through a lot we all realized that mental health is an important issue and some things run in our family. When I was 3 my grandfather was in a horrific car crash that ended his life. Alcohol was found in his system so it’s always been concluded that drinking and driving played a factor in his death. However after further review and lots of research it has since came to light that my grandfather suffered from the same condition and he killed himself. I had a cousin that killed herself when I was younger because she was gay and didn’t think anyone would understand ( which is horrible to think about given the fact that I’m trans, my cousin is married to a trans guy and my other cousin is dating a trans man and all of my family accepts us all). Anyway last year I went to a walk to try and heal from the tragedy. To find other people who have lost someone close to suicide. I found a huge support group! This year my family wants to get involved and that is amazing. It has not been easy for my family this year. There have been members who have been in and out of mental facilities because of the trauma. My uncle was a man who had demons . He really did try to do right but his demons seem to always be there. We all have demons, we all have things that haunt us. We all have faults and we all have someone in our lives that struggles everyday with mental illness. Mental illness is not a joke, it’s not a game. It’s a serious problem that plagues many people. It took falling in love, a deep true love. It took having a child to realize that my life matters. My life is important not only to my family, my wife, but my son. I could never leave him or my wife. I could never put my family through a tragedy like what we suffered. I have struggled through thoughts and have tried to commit suicide. During last years walk they handed out beads each color represented something different. Green ment that you , yourself have struggled through suicide. I have to admit I was dishonest with myself, I never grabbed green beads. Why? It might have been because my thoughts have changed or it might have been because I didn’t want anyone to know. But I knew. I know I have been there I know I have been so close to ending it all. I know that 5 to 6 ( don’t remember how long) years ago I had a hose pipe in the tail pipe of my suv while the other end was in my suv. The problem with mental illness is that it doesn’t care if you are rich, poor, black , white, love country music or rap. It affects different people and there are many different mental illnesses. Last year everyone had a different tshirt for their loved one they were walking for. This year I have came up with a design for our family tshirt. At my uncles funeral we played smashing pumpkins ( he loved that band and you should have seen that baptist preacher trying to bob his head to the song lol) I incorporated a lyric into the shirt. Also he loved motorcycles so I added a motorcycle on the front. I have a rough draft of the shirt and hopefully will meet with a designer soon to iron out details. The walk is not until October so we have plenty of time. It’s not just walking but raising money for suicide prevention. Getting people the mental health care they need and research on mental health. That day at the walk I joined a band of brothers and sisters who have felt the pain and know the problems. I still to this day have people who text me and ask me how I am and how my family is. It’s something that is like family. I myself have mental health problems and I don’t consider myself to suffer from them more like the issues are my friend and I have to learn to take care of them. I have been seeing a mental health professional for my problems and have gotten a lot of insight on myself and how to deal. It’s great to know that I’m in control of my mental health and have been a much happier well rounded person because of it. If you or someone you know has mental health issues I suggest strongly to go seek help! This years walk is going to be amazing and I’ve already had a lot of people say they wanted to walk with our family❤️. 



we are finally in a regular room and he has been getting better!!! He has another test today. If he passes then tomorrow we might get to go home!!!! If he does not pass then we are still in here for another week:( the doctors are amazed at how well he is doing! They are also amazed at the injury. They said they see this exact thing maybe once a year. They said this was a very freak accident and couldn’t be avoided. We as parents of course feel bad but the doctors have assured us that this accident is very rare! We are just ready to be home. 


gifts his visitors have brought!


gifts that visitors have brought


more gifts


our floor has a lion!!!


meditation garden


meditation garden


meditation garden


meditation garden



feeding tube is not yummy.

music time with miss kim

music time again!



kodas tater head we made in the playroom

my tater head




it’s that time of year again when my wife goes to teach class at USC. Tonight we miss her being here so much. But I know she’s having fun teaching college kids about stuff. Koda and I are making her dinner and having fun at the house. Gotta run to the store for some things. Gonna do a blog about something everyone hates to blog about later…. But I figure why not just go for it. Opinion blogs are crazy to do! Tonight I start my books….. Learning about myself and doing anger management……. Oh joy! I might keep everyone updated and then again I might decide that it’s to personal and just not share. But………… My son just woke up so gotta get moving. ( side note: I didn’t realize until like 15 minutes ago that my “big announcement” didn’t post because I still had it set for private) ……  Yeah I’m a goof! 


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Abandoned Train As A Bridge.



Perfect Cubes of Pyrite Formed by Mother Nature.



When Sunlight Passes Through, This Rare Meteorite, Known As Fukang Meteorite, Becomes Absolutely Beautiful.



Coins Stacked In Such A Way That They Extend Past The Edge Of The Table.



This Eggshell Has More Than 20,000 Holes Drilled in It. 



Sand Bar Off the Bermuda Triangle That Caught 16 Ships. 



This Is What Submarine Cable Looks Like.



Sunset and Eclipse Happening at the Same Time.



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Rudolph the suppressed reindeer

Seen this post on Facebook and I realized that I’ve always thought this exact thing about this song!!!

There are plenty of reasons, at this time of year, to hate a Christmas song: You can hate an annoying chorus, despise a celebrity crooner, or just resent the way a tune sticks in your head hours after you heard it at Nordstrom Rack. Or, in the case of the most despicable holiday song of all, you can just read the lyrics. I’m talking, of course, about “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” that annual blight on this season of joy.

If you were under the illusion that Rudolph was an unobjectionable component of December, you are in good company. The tale of Santa’s plucky little fog navigator is a staple of school holiday pageants everywhere, and its easy to see why: Sufficiently secular that it won’t get anyone in trouble, sufficiently simple that the kindergarteners can remember it on stage, the song is cast as an inspiring tale for youngsters, a story about how even the lonely and the left out are part of Christmas’ magic.

Unfortunately, this is not at all what the lyrics actually teach.

Let’s review. There’s this little reindeer with a deformity. We have no evidence that this deformity actually keeps him from his reindeer duties: He has a red, glowing nose. Big deal! It’s not like he has a torn ACL that might limit his flying-sleigh-pulling abilities. At any rate, because of this deformity, the other reindeer laugh, call him names, and bar him from their all-important games, effectively ostracizing him just because he looks funny.

Then, on December 24, the fog rolls in. Santa and the in-crowd are stranded. Without so much as an apology, Rudolph is asked to guide the sleigh. (Or perhaps he isn’t asked: The lyrics specify that Santa “came to say” that Rudolph could guide his sled—I’m guessing no one even inquired as to whether he had other holiday plans.) Despite the repeated snubs and the impolite request, Rudolph demonstrates his utility in brilliant form. At which point all the reindeer decide that they love him. Notice that they still don’t apologize.

Perhaps I am wrong, but this strikes me as a terrible, terrible lesson for kids.

At the very basic level, “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” presents a fairly grim, Hobbesian vision of society: If you want to be accepted, you have to prove your economic utility—which, in the case of magical flying reindeer, appears to only involve the annual sleigh-pull.

Still, plenty of parents might actually think that Marxy understanding of the world is accurate, gloomy as it may be to force your kids to sing about it on the holidays. What no one should accept, though, is the unkindness of it all. Here is what the song makes clear: Donner, Prancer, Blitzen and the gang are assholes. They bully, they exclude, they come running for help after their inevitable screw-ups. You get the sense that, even at the end of the song, their newfound love for Rudolph doesn’t have much to do with affection. They’ve realized he’s going to go down in history, and now hope to say they were pals with him way back when. They want to name-drop, not make up for their dickishness.

Another revelation: The other reindeer are also crappy sleigh-pullers. Let’s face it: Fog on Christmas is not exactly unheard-of. What kind of second-rate magical flying animal can’t manage to guide his way through inclement weather? Apparently the reindeer games are played in a domed stadium, lest Donner and Blitzen’s precious coats have to adjust to imperfect conditions. Here’s hoping there are also some camel-humped reindeer languishing up there, too, just in case the holiday ever happens during a drought. Because God forbid the popular caribou bring bottled water with them.

The worst thing about the song is the way it spoils other holiday fables. Just try to reread Clement Clarke Moore’s “’Twas the Night Before Christmas” after thinking through the Rudolph story. The famous poem apparently takes place on a fog-free Christmas Eve. So there they all are on the roof with such a clatter: Vixen, Dancer, Prancer et al. Sweet! Until you think about how there’s some unhappy red-nosed outcast back home, shut out of even the reindeer games.

The song does a number on Santa’s reputation, too. If the Rudolph song showcases a dystopia where affection is based on economic worth, St. Nick’s continued status as CEO of the world’s biggest gift-delivery operation highlights a more modern Capitalist flaw: The self-perpetuation of irresponsible elites. Boys and girls all over the world depend on the guy for their toys, yet he apparently never even thought to invest in headlights for his sleigh. It’s an almost Rumsfeldian display of poor planning. It ought to get an executive fired. But apparently getting in trouble for incompetence is just for little people.

In fact, “Rudolph” makes it seem as if whole scene up there at the North Pole is actually pretty grisly. In Moore’s poem, Santa is described as a jolly, winking sweetheart whose belly shakes when he laughs. But Moore’s sleeping-capped narrator may have gotten it wrong. The Santa in the Rudolph song is a guy who looks the other way while his star performers bully and mock a single, defenseless outsider. He’s like a pot-bellied version of Sensei from The Karate Kid.

Which is sort of appropriate. If Rudolph had been turned into a teen flick—as opposed to an creepy stop-motion animated TV special—the oddball outcast would have told Santa to piss off, wrested control of the sleigh from Donner and the other fogbound jocks, and then led a rag-tag crew of misfits to save Christmas. Later, as his former tormentors shouted out with glee, our red-nosed hero would have walked right past them into the arms of a fellow unpopular reindeer, maybe a tough one who lives on the wrong side of the tracks but who just found out she got into art school and who now, come to think of it, looks kind of pretty.

Now there’s a holiday lesson to teach youngsters.

In the meantime, please don’t make them listen to “Rudolph.”